so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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