She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
