My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
