my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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