I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
