You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
