from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
