1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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