So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
