I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
