And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
