just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
