we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize