dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i dont even know how to be here
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
