ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
