ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
