Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
