Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
