my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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