I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
