She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
