Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
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If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
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Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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