i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
