So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
