I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
