I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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