my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
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we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
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Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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