would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
