It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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