i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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