i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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