I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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