We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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