sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
