when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
