If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
