I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
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