More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
