I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
