I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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