I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
