in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
