I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
