True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
