Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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