im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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