My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
