I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
