He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
