Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
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GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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