My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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