Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
