You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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