Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
