I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
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I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
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My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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